Harry Potter and the CoS: The Abridged Script
by Aayla Security
Summary: In this movie, Harry again exhibited his amazing power of being the title character without being more than a mere vessel of plot functions. The abridged or reduced script of the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.


Author's First Note: This is the tamed version of the would-be-posted Harry Potter II parody on my homepage. For legal reasons I have avoided using any real person's name, which is not the case in my website's version. Also, I've edited the language such that it completely fits the social conventions of being "suitable for young readers", which just to be safe I assume most of you are. Throughout the writing process I frequently referred to Siriusly and Oddly's Harry Potter parody fanfic, _That Loser_, which contains its own intelligent COS parody, in order not to overlap with it. Thanks and read on, and please inform me of any error that you have spotted in this writing.

Author's Second Note: This is the second note. This means this note is more recent than the 1st note. I've given up the idea of replacing semi-PG-13 language with its euphemism version, since I had two versions of this "script" and every time I corrected errors I had to do so twice and replacing cussing words was incredibly annoying. Therefore, I will let the cussing words be there and raise the rating to K+ to T. Welcome back, "Damn" and "Hell". I tried to be politically correct; I really did.

Author's Third Note: The version for this writing is now available, the link to which could be found on my profile.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: The Parody Version

FADE IN:

**INT. BORING HOME**

DIRECTOR  
Based on the fact that my first Harry Potter movie was so financially successful, I'm going to make a direct copy of it, just so it's as if the first movie didn't suck so much.

He pans his CAMERA to HARRY POTTER, who is walking around in his room and being abused by his NASTY FOSTER PARENTS, again.

HARRY POTTER  
As in the first movie, the spirit of my heart is so thoroughly deprived of joy and laughing without the presence of cheap special effects. The only thing that could refill my drained soul is obviously being rescued from my mundane non-CGI life in a preposterous fashion, again.

RON WEASLEY, telepathically hearing HARRY, rescues him from his mundane non-CGI life in a preposterous fashion.

RON WEASLEY  
(flying)  
Harry! I've just been to a 60's movie THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR! Care for a ride so that we can wake up every non-magical person on this street?

HARRY POTTER  
Awesome! See, this film is not identical to the first one, because we have a loathsome flying car stolen from another movie! And Ron isn't the shell-shocked comic relief screaming scene cues anymore, he's -

RON WEASLEY  
GAAAAA! BLUE FLYING CAR! MAGIC! SEQUEL! WATCH THIS WATCH THIS WATCH THIS!

They FLY to RON'S HOUSE OF CGI EFFECTS.

**INT. RON'S HOUSE OF CGI EFFECTS**

HARRY steps in and smiles at all the GRATUITOUS EFFECTS, which are JUSTIFIED because this is a HARRY POTTER MOVIE. They meet with RON'S FAMILY, who are just as bluntly comical as RON is. They subsequently go to DIAGON ALLEY and run into OTHER ANNOYING CAST, as they did in the first movie.

HARRY POTTER  
It is very important to routinely repeat all the necessary elements of a Harry Potter movie, despite how annoying they've become.

**EXT. DIAGON ALLEY**

DRACO MALFOY  
Harry! I'm back and I'm still a worthless character!

HAGRID  
I've also returned, and I'm still unnecessarily comical!

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
I'm also here and even more obnoxious than I used to be! I see you are half way through the thorough repetition of the opening of the previous movie. To complete this, I will use Magic on your glasses, Again.

She DOES.

HARRY POTTER  
Wow, how come you are able to summon visual workers outside Hogwarts while I can't?

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
My power of showing off is unstoppable, and I represent the laws of logic by defying them!

Suddenly, DOOMED PROFESSOR OF THE YEAR hops on stage and immediately sets off to make a fool of himself.

GILDEROY LOCKHART  
I'm so detestably ludicrous that, instead of being humorous and interesting, my presence only makes the audience want me to die.

**EXT. SCOTLAND**

RON and HARRY go to school. Failing to get through the magic wall, they decide to drive the PROFESSOR'S CAR, the key to which is obtained by RON for some reason. As soon as they take off they begin screaming, because RON can't drive, so that we know RON is a jackass AND a moron.

RON WEASLEY  
GAAAAAAA! CHEAP JUSTIFICATION FOR POINTLESS SPECIAL EFFECTS! THIS SCENE IS OUTRAGEOUSLY SILLY, SO THIS MOVIE IS DEFINITELY NOT TAKING ITSELF SERIOUSLY!

AUTHOR J.K.R.  
Damn. I was drunk when I wrote this mindless garbage.

Their CAR crashes into A DANGEROUS CGI WILLOW, which immediately begins to CRUSH THEM.

RON WEASLEY  
AIEEEEEEE! MY WAND! I PROVIDE COMIC RELIEF BY ASSOCIATING FUN WITH MY MISERY!  
(pause)  
GOD HELP ME!

Suddenly, on the verge of the CAR'S destruction, it suddenly springs into life and maneuvers them out of the scene.

HARRY POTTER  
This thing can actually do autopilot? Why didn't it do it when we were sprinting to our death when we almost hit the wall? You -

The CAR SLAPS him and pushes the RED BUTTON, ejecting HARRY and RON.

CAR  
Suckers.

He goes down his merry way of being attacked by dangerous CGI CREATURES IN THE DARK "CHEESY-NAME" FOREST.

HARRY POTTER  
...bloody piece of rusty machinery.

DUMBLEDORE  
Harry! Ron! I'm fair and obviously don't hold celebrities above the law! You two have just committed the act that for other people would have warranted probation!  
(pause)  
Never mind, brave protagonists. Good luck with the story.

**INT. SOMEWHERE IN HOGWARTS, NOT THAT WE CARE**

HARRY AND FRIENDS are once again experiencing the horrors of Hogwarts' magical, mysteriously fatal grounds, and attending CGI classes that don't really have anything related to the central plot.

AUDIENCE  
Crap, are they gonna do the stuff they did in the first movie?

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
What is that you are learning again?

HARRY POTTER  
Uh...I'm learning how to act and stop pretending I'm not part of the story.

Suddenly, they come across a PUPPET CAT.

HARRY POTTER  
Oh, Jesus, a dead cat.

AUDIENCE  
Zzz...

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
And there's red paint on the wall.

AUDIENCE  
Zzz...

Suddenly, LOUD HARRY POTTER THEME SONG MIXED WITH CHEESY TEEN HORROR MOVIE SOUNDTRACK strikes in!

RON WEASLEY  
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! A FAKE CAT! ODD PAINT! SPIDERS! CONSPIRACY! WOOOO SCARY SCARY SCARY! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNN! WE ARE SO SHOCKED, LIKE WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT DESPITE US STUDENTS' HARMFULLY MISCHIEVOUS NATURE AND THIS JUST CAN'T BE A SICK PRANK BY SOME PEOPLE!

AUDIENCE  
(in dazed stupor)  
What?

HARRY POTTER  
So, we, as twelve-year-olds, must unveil the secret of the heir of Slytherin that has haunted Hogwarts for fifty years within a year, so that we can prove Albus Dumbledore is a freakin' lousy Headmaster!

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
And we must achieve this with our skills and brains that are anything but exceptional, because no one else in this story is important enough to do this!

RON WEASLEY  
MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY! NEW ADDITION TO NANCY DREW NOVELS!

They solve PUZZLES, occasionally interrupted by another POINTLESS ANIMATED CONTEST MADE UP OF BADLY-RENDERED CGI CHILDREN.

AUTHOR J. K. R.  
Wooohooo! Another clue! How useful and enlightening! That is, unless you are telepathic and know some random magic stuff that won't be revealed until the perpetrator explains his plot at the END of my story! Har har har!

This is all very EXCITING and SUSPENSEFUL, especially for those who have read THE SECOND BOOK ten times and can recite the ending backwards.

FANS IN THE AUDIENCE  
How satisfying it is to see the mere visualization of the dialogues and settings without the drama in the story! It's like a sucker's dream come true!

Eventually, the TRIO'S clues somehow lead them to DRACO MALFOY, an undersize jerk.

HARRY POTTER  
Because he insulted Hermione, like any other wizard purists would do. Clearly targeting HIM makes a lot more sense than targeting some alternative, albeit more powerful people in Slytherin!

They are WRONG, making half of this movie POINTLESS.

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
Oh well. Time for another clue.  
(pause)  
Hey, Harry, tell us all about Parseltongue.

HARRY POTTER  
Well, in the first movie it sounded like normal human, but now it sounds like hissed Huttese. Which is disturbingly similar to this voice I'm hearing.

HERMIONE GRANGER'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE  
Then let's disassociate this with that until the end of this movie.

For further clues, they enter a bathroom where HARRY pries a book out of a toilet, which is titled THE ABANDONED MANUSCRIPT OF HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

AUTHOR J. K. R.  
Muahahahahaha! You're all hopelessly hooked! I'M MAKING YOU IGNORE THE OBVIOUS AND INSTEAD ROOT FOR THE MEANINGLESS!

HARRY POTTER  
(writing)  
My name is Harry Potter. I'm shocked that despite that I'm a horrible actor I still retain this role, especially after my breathtakingly absurd performance when I apathetically encountered and examined Justin Finch-Fletchley's lifeless body.

MANUSCRIPT  
Wait; you actually write your real name on random objects?

HARRY POTTER  
(writing)  
Yeah, since deep down I'm a person suffering from personal identity disorder. I'm surrounded by many untrustworthy magical artifacts, and so I naturally assume it's safe to scratch my name on this freaky thinking thing that someone else wants to get rid of.

MANUSCRIPT  
Well, I happen to be the prototype of the script for Harry Potter II, and I have access to the plot.

HARRY POTTER  
Whoa. Sweet. I'm communicating with...a script...via handwriting. Hmm, I shall take this suspiciously convenient opportunity to know the plot in advance.  
(writing)  
What can you do?

MANUSCRIPT  
I will take you to Tom Riddle's memory without your explicit consent.

It DOES, and apparently TOM'S MEMORY is all in black-and-white, which really sucks for him. HARRY then witnesses HAGRID being arrested for keeping illegal furry animals.

HARRY POTTER  
Things are finally coming together. Hagrid and that furry animal must have something to do with the voice I'm hearing.

Suddenly, HERMIONE is ATTACKED, and is no longer part of the action. HARRY and RON meet up with more CGI and find another CLUE in the DARK "CHEESY-NAME" FOREST.

RON WEASLEY  
SPIDDDDDDDEEEERRRRRRRRRRRS! I'M SO STUPID AND USELESS IT HURTS!

HARRY POTTER  
Maybe it's a good time to talk to the inanimate Hermione for no particular reason, since both of us are basically brain-dead losers.

They visit HERMIONE and produce some overtly sentimental crap, which wouldn't be so pathetic had the actors been only slightly more talented.

RON WEASLEY  
WHY, HERMIONE, WHY? YOU ARE DEAF AND COLD, AND WE ARE STILL TALKING TO YOU! SOMEHOW THIS SHOULDN'T BE FUNNY!

HARRY POTTER  
(looking as if he hurt a toenail)  
And we wish you were here, Hermione.  
(pause)  
Actually, I don't want you to be here at all. Actually, I'm glad you've quit trying to upstage me, you arrogant, screeching know-it-all. I feel little to no sympathy for you; this is plainly written all over my emotionless face.

RON WEASLEY  
(helpfully pointing at a piece of PLOT clutched in Hermione's hand)  
WHAT IS THAT?

HARRY POTTER  
Shit. Now that she figured this all out and did the thinking for us, we will have to act like her henchmen and work.

They ENTER the CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

**INT. THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

TOM RIDDLE  
Mwahahahahaha! Behold! The mastermind behind this year's lame attacks based on DNA discrimination! Bow down before me, for I AM the phantom of a future dumbass beaten by a one-year-old!

HARRY POTTER  
What?! YOU are Lord Voldemort? Whoa, I should've known years ago! OF COURSE this all boils down to the only super-villain who has been introduced in this series! Can't you think of a twist that is not as pathetic?

TOM RIDDLE  
Uhhhhhhhh...I'm your father?

He unleashes his GIANT SNAKE. HARRY battles it.

SNAKE  
DIE, HARRY, DIE!

HARRY POTTER  
Screw you! I've got five more movies to cash in! Damn you to hell!

He KILLS it, but not before the monster injects its poison into him.

HARRY POTTER  
(dying. Very slowly)  
Oh you cruel, heartless bastard!

TOM RIDDLE  
Ouch, that hurts. Heh heh. Oh, at least I didn't use T-Virus and turn you into a zombie. Ha ha!

HARRY, pissed beyond a twelve-year-old's natural potential, slowly pries something out of an unreasonable yet quite convenient location. He is now holding a small, delicate book that happens to be TOM'S LIFE, which TOM clearly doesn't value very much.

TOM RIDDLE  
(watching indifferently)  
Er, something is wrong...

HARRY turns a page.

TOM RIDDLE  
(still watching indifferently)  
Very wrong...

HARRY holds up a venomous fang.

TOM RIDDLE  
(still watching indifferently)  
Why am I sweating?

HARRY looks up into TOM'S eyes with a twisted smile.

TOM RIDDLE  
Uh-oh.

HARRY stabs the book with considerable vitality! Because the fatal poison is in fact quite LOUSY!

TOM RIDDLE  
(ionizing)  
GOD MY PERFORMANCE FURTHER TESTIFIES MY DRASTIC INCOMPETENCE, WHICH CAN AGAIN EXPLAIN WHY I WAS BEATEN BY AN INFANT THEN A NAÏVE HOGWARTS FRESHMAN!

He DIES, sort of. RON'S POSSESSED SISTER finally comes around.

SISTER WHO HAS LESS THAN THREE LINES AND FIVE MINUTES OF SCREEN TIME BUT IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE SHE'S A PLOT DEVICE  
Harry, Tom Riddle made me do it.

HARRY POTTER  
What a clever, if not contrived, twist.

HAGRID, DUMBLEDORE AND MCGONAGALL  
Harry! You accidentally saved the day once again! We love you! Keep up the good work!

AUDIENCE  
Hooray! Only five more movies to go! What a gratifying time we have with a Harry Potter movie without participating in the story's psychological ride! Let's watch it again and pay another $9!

Everyone is happy and looking forward to the next installment, which will have exactly the same plot elements, special effects and awkward cast!

RON WEASLEY  
AIEEEEEEE! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! MORE HARRY POTTER MOVIES! TYPECAST! MY CAREER! Damn.

THE END


End file.
